I meant to put something in here yesterday but never got around to it. I had an idea to write some serious blog about a journey I was going. It was going to be incredibly detailed and seem very important but in the end it was just a drive to get a fruit and yogurt parfait from Mcdonald’s. By the time I actually had to time to write it up I was just kinda over it. It happens sometimes.

The only thing now is that I’m really swamped at work, so I doubt I’ll write anything in here today, other than what I’m currently writing here, of course. A shame because I only have 7 minutes left on my lunch break to write a witty post. Hm

I was driving today and this guy cut me off and I was like “Whoa dude!” and I put my hand up in a what-were-you-thinking fashion. He didn’t even see me. Some people I swear….

Still five minutes to go.

Alright I give up see everyone on Wednesday.

Ant infestation day 2:

These little fuckers are crawling all over my desk, inside my computer, on my coffee cup, and more than likely…inside my brain. I moved my drink glasses and trashcan, perhaps that will help stop a further invasion, but the ones I’ve already ingested are growing stronger with time. It’s up to my immune system to fight them off and burn them alive in my disgestive fluids, I pray its not too late.

On a side note,

I’ve heard a few complaints from the readers of this blog that I’m a tad too negative,that I should maybe try writing something a little more uplifting. (And when I say “readers of this blog”, I mean “writers of this blog”, which is me, AKA my more positive side that I consistently berate but have recently been trying to embrace but really only putting forth a half-assed effort to do so because making fun of stuff is a lot easier than trying to be positive and shit.). So this is my attempt to write a happy blog.

Hm, let’s see now, what things made me smile today?

I saw a turtle on the side of the road during my lunch break. ”Hello Mr. Turtle! Just out for a stroll, getting some sun on the ol’ shell today, are we?” Hahaha, he’s a funny little turtle. He’s walking pretty fast now! I bet he could beat nastly hare in a race right now! He’s so determined, look at him go! I’m glad I didn’t look back as I drove by because I likely would’ve see ol’ Mr.turtle make the mistake of trying to cross the road where Mr. SUV probably put a nice big crack in Mr. Turtle’s shell, paralyzing… Ok,  this was a bad idea.

Cynical is my thing and if my “positive” side can’t understand that, then I think someone needs to stop, grab a mirror and take a good long look at the person staring back. Is it really me you’re trying to change, or is it you? I think you need to stop projecting your issues on to me, and maybe start dealing with some yourself. It’s not too late, you’re never too old to learn something new about you. After all, isn’t learning about ourselves really the only way we can grow? I’ll help you in any way I can, I even know the number of a great counselor I can give you. I think this is a great step and I support you 100% but right now you need to get the fuck out of my face because you smell bad and you’re giving me the creeps. Outta here, you. 

Another successful blog!   

My desk, after a knife fight. I brought a gun, bango, the desk lost.

I really had no idea what to take a picture of today, that’s the best I could come up with.

There’s a bunch of sugar ants invading my desk space, which I don’t really understand because except for a bottle of water and a cup of coffee, there’s no sugar to be had on my desk. What do they want? Have they developed a taste for dried pen ink or the dust in between the keys on a keyboard? If so, how long until they desire human blood? Not. Long. At all.

No longer will ants bite and leave a sting mark; a pussy (that’s pronounced PUSS-e), itchy rash that you will eventually have to pop, and be annoyed with while you’re trying to work..or blog. Soon they will bite deeper, tearing an open wound with which it can enter your flesh, guzzling on the very blood it drowns in while struggling to get out from underneath your skin! Of course, this is but a temporary hindrance to the rise of the ant. Evolution will take its course. The ants who can hold their breath the longest will survive, gorging themselves on human blood, they will become strong quickly. Soon then a rise of flesh eating, blood drinking ants will be gnawing themselves in and out of our arms, legs, torso and genitals. They will start out small, but will grow! Before we know it, they will be as large as cockroaches! If we don’t stop them by then, I fear they’re size may become that of a small wittle kitten. It won’t be holes they’ll be putting in our frail human bodies then, no, they’ll be removing limbs! We must put a stop to this!

I’m doing my part. Even as I qw type this blog out, I’m hitting a few that lp are crawling over the letters on n sthe keyboard. Die devil bugs.

It had been a good couple weeks since I got drunk on a Wednesday night, but I did last night boy I’ll tell ya what: it was sweet. As soon as that first PBR hit my lips, that wonderful blue ribbon taste relaxing my body into a state of bliss until WHAT THE FUCK?! It’s 2 in the morning, all the beer is good and I’m drunk?! I can’t even remember what happened on Franklin and Bash! This is no good, I have to go to bed.

Flash forward to 6:38 am, I’m hustling around my house because I’m late, I have to feed the neighbors 12 cats and get to work by 7 (I didn’t). It would’ve been easier to do if my roommate didn’t hide my fucking wallet. Who does that? WHY? I don’t understand.

Since then this whole day’s just been weird. I think I saw my ex-girlfriend checking me out while she was working at Mcdonald’s. I listened to Zelda music most of the day instead regular music (odd choice I know) and when I did listen to regular music, the Yellowcard came up on Pandora 3 different times. 

Also, I started writing in this thing way too late in the day, I’m burned out. 

Today really felt like I was in the Matrix, and I was getting close to something. Too close. I could feel my mind separating fiction from reality. I almost see the code… stupid agents must have done something though. Now I’m back to accepting this stinky life.

I’m gonna drink tonight again, I’m really only happy when I drink. That’s not a problem I don’t think.  

It smells like cat pee in the men’s room. I made sure to check to make sure it wasn’t me, it’s not, but it definitely smells like kitty urine in there. I can only assume there’s been cross species breeding in one of my co-workers families and a feline gene is rearing it’s ugly head. I’ve been keeping my eyes open and you’d be surprised how cat-like many people can act in their day-to-day mannerisms (Did you know “act” is just “cat” if you jumble the letters up?). I saw one guy lick his hand. I though “That’s fine, I’m sure he just had some soup or coffee spill and rather than get a paper towel like a HUMAN would do.”. He decided to bathe his hand in his own saliva. Hm. You made my list, buddy.
Later, I was leaving the bathroom, which still smelled like cat piss, I noticed that SOMEONE didn’t wash their hands as they left. Interesting. Are we…. afraid of water perhaps?! I think someone might have a dark family secret he’s trying to hide.
Those are my two main suspects. There was a couple others but all their suspicious activity could be explained away. One guy was eating a rat, but that’s cool because he’s Asian and sometimes they do that. Another was using his toes to scratch his neck but he’s a gymnast and I believe that’s how they stretch. One guy this morning got distracted by small moving light that shone on a wall and was trying to grab it for 10 minutes or so. He’s new though, he doesn’t know how things work around here.
There is this one guy up front who has hair growing on the top of his ears, an up-turned nose and cat eyes….but I think he’s from Utah and the Mormons murdered all the cats in Utah in the early 1930’s if I remember correctly. Something to do with the supporting the war efforts… but people couldn’t tell if they were supporting the war or if they were against it by their weird cat fundraisers and protests and everytime someone asked a Mormon what they were doing there, they just laughed and shook their heads so we didn’t bother pursuing it because the feral cat problem in Utah grew to be a pretty big problem for the state since nobody wanted to take a nice family vacation to the Rockies and have to avoid stepping in cat poop especially since the only thing the cats would eat are blueberries which made the cat poop really sticky and it would sticky to the bottom of hiking boots and make them smell really bad when they would go back to their cabins so the Mormons had a whole lot of kids and the ones that looked like cats a little bit they would keep and the regular looking ones they would post- birth abort in an effort the remind the world what the they did to help win world war 2. So that guy’s out. I’m planning on bringing in catnip tomorrow to see which one goes crazy. I won’t work with a smelly man cat. I won’t.

In leau of the regular abstract photo I usually post with a blog, I’ve decided to post the lastest Youtube video from Boxxy. For those who don’t know who Boxxy is, do a fucking a google search (her story’s actually kind of interesting). There’s something very odd that happens to me while I watch her videos. I catch myself glaring at the computer not unlike Ron Swanson (from Parks and Recreation) would glare at someone who asked him where the closest Starbucks was. There is an initial hatred for Boxxy that comes with watching her videos, but after the first minute or so she starts to become a real-life version of a hyperactive anime character in my eyes. Then I start to think, what’s so wrong with this? Is she hurting anybody? No. She’s just having a good time! Look at her with her weird gestures and frantic speaking pattern. Well isn’t she… Isn’t she just the darnedest thing. I think I want to hold her hand, or give her a hug. Maybe just hang out with her for a little bit…not for too long though! That shit will get old quick. But maybe for 15 minutes or so I could handle it.
Plus she’s pretty damn cute, so that helps.
I’m told that Boxxy is just a character this girl plays, but I think it’s the other way around.

She also reminds of Alyson Hannigan (that’s probably spelled wrong) on some sort of upper.

So enjoy that, try not to get a headache and Boxxy if you’re reading this, my twitter name is @TheRyGuy, get at me girl.

No, I wasn’t abducted and probed by aliens (That’s gross by the way, get your mind outta the gutter), I had to go to the dentist this morning to get my teeth right. Turns out too that randomly picking a dentist from my insurance website worked out for the best cause she’s pretty fucking awesome. The only dentist I’ve ever had that figured out, apparently, I grind my teeth. Which would explain the minor chips in my front teeth, that she fixed. She also told ghost stories to the nurse while she was picking through my mouth, which was better than sitting there being unentertained. The only problem is that, of course, my insurance sucks and I owe 170 bucks for 500 bucks worth of work. I guess that isn’t too terrible but I have like 3 more appointments and another 1000 (give or take) dollars worth of work she wants to do. I think I may stretch these out.
Hm.
This has been a pretty straight forward blog so far. Just what I did today. A report of my dentist appointment, if you will. That’s fucking dull. I could’ve summed that whole paragraph up into a single facebook post: “Went to the dentist. She’s awesome! Didn’t expect to hear ghost stories while getting my teeth cleaned! Too bad I owe her money now :(” . Just…uninspired. 
On a related note, I think writing this thing has seriously hindered my ability to put together a witty facebook status update. I was writing facebook updates before there was even a facebook. AIM anyone? Yeah, I was that guy always online with a different away message everyone couple of hours. I wrote stories on my away messages (Spiderman Jedi was a classic), now after a session of vent-typing on here I actually have to think of something to write if I want to update. What have I become?
I’m going to get coffee drunk and think of something different to write here because this facebook/dentist post is depressing me.  

…

I don’t know if everyone here has seen “The Girl with the Dragon tattoo” trailer yet but it’s pretty fucking awesome. It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to go to school for video editing. For some reason, the short film/music video medium really appeals to me. I think setting a lot of things to music (basketball, roller derby, weddings) usually turns out really cool if edited together well. If I had a Macbook, or a decent computer with editing software I would do it a lot more. Instead, I have a decent camera and almost no way to splice. It saddens me.

Anyways that’s all, I’m not creative today. Go away now.  

5 o’clock on a Monday is one mother fucker of a time for me lately. It’s when I’m most exhausted but I still have a ton of shit to do. Basketball then gym tonight when really I just want to go home kick back 6 PBR tallboys and call it a night. Why do I put up with this crap?

I’m just grumpy, basketball is always a blast for me and I’m starting to see why people go to the gym. I’ve only been going for two weeks and I already feel….stronger…more powerful. If only I could somehow..harness.. this power. This great, strong power I hold in my grasp. Soon I will. Soon I will become so powerful no one will stand in my way! Finally! Earth will be mine and the pathetic humans will have no choice but to obey me! I will rule with an iron fist. Yes, humans will be enslaved to do my bidding but they will be cared for enough. Health care is a big issue for me. No one likes a sickly slave. Then again, if one slave is too weak, it will be put to death! Of course, life insurance will be available for the grieving family and paid time off as well. This all comes after a 90-day probationary period, of course. 
The building of my castle will be the first order of business. As I am now ruler of the planet I expect a pretty large castle as well as a grand surrounding area. I’m thinking something along the lines of ”The Forbidden City” from China, but way totally bigger. I will live there alone. Alone with my 200 concubines who will serve me in Princess Leia type slave girl outfits and be at my every beckon call, willing to do whatever I tell them because if they don’t, I will murder them! Secretly though, I probably won’t murder any of them. It’s lonely being the ruler of the planet, sometimes it’s nice to just cuddle and watch a propaganda film I made Hollywood put out in support of me. I really enjoy Linda’s company, though, I get the feeling lately that she’s only being so nice to me because she’s afraid I’ll kill her. I wish she would give me her honestly opinion sometimes. Are my muscles too big? Have I gotten too good looking? These are things I need to know, Linda! If you can’t be bothered to give me a straight answer well then, off to the gallows with you! I’ll hang you till you’re dead and put you on display to show all my other women what happens when you don’t love me correctly!
I could never do that, I’m so sorry Linda. There’s just so much pressure on me being the King Tyrant of the planet, I just gotta blow off a little steam sometimes, baby. Please don’t be mad. Here, I have a meeting with the slave labor union, why don’t you go out and buy yourself something nice? You’re so pretty.

MUHAHAHAHA!!! SOON!    

I’m all off kilter with this blog today. I pooped out a post earlier but now at the end of the day when I usually have time to write something here, I didn’t have any place to put it. So here I am, starting over again with what will likely be a shorty. 1 because I don’t have a lot of time and 2 because I don’t have anything to write about. I’m not hung over anymore and there was no coffee left this afternoon so my writing fuel is low. I just chugged down the last of my tea but let’s face it, tea to coffee is like…soda..to coffee. Its just not helpful with creativity or analogies. If you think about it, the perfect writing fuel is probably Irish coffee. Keeps me awake, gets me drunk, bingo. The problem with writing when you drink beers or liquor is that after a while you get drunk and your words stop making sense. Every once in a while you will have an insightful point,  but usually you have to sift through pages of nonsense to get to it. At least that’s how it works for me. When I teach my writing class after my second novel goes platinum, I’ll be sure to include that in the curiculum (Also, excessive use of parentheses is strongly encouraged (seriously)). 

That’ll be all for today, tomorrow we’ll go over plot and character development.

Tonight’s homework is to get hammered drunk, write 1500 words, don’t proof read or spell check and post to Internet for your friends and family to see.

Class dismissed.

Well, this fucking sucks. Whole blog post lost. I’ll use this picture tomorrow.

…

The Next Day…

…

Let’s see, what did I have here…I did an entire paragraph about how tired I was. Then I drank two cups of coffee. I haven’t had coffee in two weeks so it was kind of a big deal. Went a little hyperactive. I wrote two paragraphs on roller derby. One was about how the practices see almost as much action as the actual bouts. Which I was surprised at, I figured they would easy on each other. But no. Lots of falling and yelling. I don’t understand the yelling. Enough with the yelling, you’re a team. There’s no I in team. There is a “Me At” though, as in “me at the center of this motha fucking team, respect that!”.

Let’s see, the other roller derby paragraph was about how it’s a female dominanted sport and that no one really wants to see male roller derby-ists. Cause they don’t.

The last paragraph was about how I stole the God of Lightening’s powers because I was so good at basketball. Then I used those powers to bang out Medusa (cause of course that would be the chick-god I would fall for) and lightening fire Lebron James’ house. I picked Baby Bron Bron because he could probably beat me at basketball and thus, take away my powers.

Then, right after I hit post, WHAPA! Error message! “WTF” I thought! If I hit back, will it still be there? Please! I can’t deny the internet the artistic genius that is my recent blog post! Alas, it was gone forever. I looked to the sky, raised my arms in anger and shouted “NOOOO!!!”. All my rage and fury was proceeded by a resounding “Meh” and a shoulder shrug. I shut my computer and didn’t think about it for 14 hours. Now that I am thinking about it though, it does kind of irk me.

Meh, whatever.

Few things in life are better than working outside on a sunny day. The sun on my back, the feel of fresh air through my lungs almost makes it worth getting up everyday for. Then again, I live in Florida. So working outside sucks a turd. I had to count everything on this fucking pallet today, outside, at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. Sun crazy. My shirt is still damp from all the sweat I sweated so bad. I’m surprised they made me do that again, honestly. Last time I had to count a pallet and sweat this bad, we had one of our most un-productive days ever. When you’re working out in the heat like that you end up drinking a lot of water, which in turn makes you have to pee. So everytime I walked up through the plant to the bathroom all women in the place stopped working and turned to watch my sweat-glistened body as I strutted down the hall. They all fanned themselves with their hands not unlike some sort of southern harlot. “I do declare! I think I have the vapors!” I heard on more than several occasions. Which isn’t so bad compared to the sound of the cell phone cameras going off behind me. They’re so blatant about it, at least put your phones on silent, geez. 
That was the day one of the girls up front fainted because a fly landed on my chest and she saw as I flexed my muscular man boob to shoo it away. Guess she never saw anyone do that before…
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. I’ve had my lunch bought for me a few times. I’ll even get some nick-knack gifts left for me on my desk in some “secret admirer” fashion. It’s really only when I find a note with a phone number on it attached to a 12 pack of condoms that I get uncomfortable. I mean, I get the point, I just wish whoever it was would stop doing it.
That’s why I keep a sweater at my desk at all times. When the cat-calling and whistling gets to be too much, I just throw on my hoodie. Sorry ladies, you’re too rowdy, no more for you today.